Translation

Monday, 7 April 2003

Translation of Selected Portions of Last Week’s ‘QuarkXPress 6 Feature Overview’ Announcement from PR-Speak to English

Quark introduces powerful productivity features for publishers

Put your boots on.

Quark Inc. today disclosed the key features for the forthcoming QuarkXPress 6 software.

Quark Inc. today released some vague statements about QuarkXPress 6, amounting to little more than verbal hand-waving.

Used by millions of publishing professionals around the world to improve efficiency, QuarkXPress software dramatically improves productivity, saves time, and lowers costs.

QuarkXPress is the industry-standard page-layout program.

The new features in QuarkXPress 6 will continue to drive production efficiencies in the face of tight budgets and increasingly tight deadlines.

People love to think that deadlines today are tighter than they were “back in the day”. This isn’t true, of course, but we’ll assume you’re kind of dumb, and that you’re holding out hope that QuarkXPress 6 will miraculously reduce your work week to 15 hours.

PDF creation technology has been incorporated into QuarkXPress 6, allowing users to output PDF files directly from QuarkXPress without having to purchase a license for third-party software.

Dear Adobe,

Fuck you.

Cheers,

—Quark.

The many improvements to the QuarkXPress Web features make it even easier for publishers to create Web designs and re-use print content on the Web. Print layouts can be converted to Web layouts in a matter of mouse clicks, or designers can create new Web designs using the familiar QuarkXPress tools and interface.

We are plowing full steam ahead under the delusion that our users want to use a print-oriented page-layout program for web design. By placing extra emphasis on these unwanted web features, we hope to distract your attention from a certain upstart page layout application, which is focused squarely and solely on page layout.

Quark has not yet announced pricing or an anticipated ship date for QuarkXPress 6.

QuarkXPress 6 will be expensive and late.