Translation From Corporate Jargon Doublespeak to English of Carrier IQ’s ‘Media Alert’

Said “Media Alert” is available in convenient PDF format here.

Measuring Mobile User Experience Does Matter!

We Got Caught Doing Something We Were Kind of Hoping No One Would Notice and Now We’re Nervously Placing Exclamation Marks at the End of Our Media Alert Headlines!

Carrier IQ would like to clarify some recent press on how our product is used and the information that is gathered from smartphones and mobile devices.

Carrier IQ would like people to stop looking into just what it is our software does.

Carrier IQ delivers Mobile Intelligence on the performance of mobile devices and networks to assist operators and device manufacturers in delivering high quality products and services to their customers.

Carrier IQ provides handset makers and mobile carriers with detailed device usage logs that consumers are never made aware of. We capitalized “Mobile Intelligence” because that makes it even smarter.

We do this by counting and measuring operational information in mobile devices — feature phones, smartphones and tablets.

Come on people, it’s just “operational information”.

This information is used by our customers as a mission critical tool to improve the quality of the network, understand device issues and ultimately improve the user experience.

These gadgets wouldn’t work without our software. Seriously!

Our software is embedded by device manufacturers along with other diagnostic tools and software prior to shipment.

If the carriers and handset makers who include our software want it there, it must be OK. Nothing to look at here. Ignore that man behind the curtain.

While we look at many aspects of a device’s performance, we are counting and summarizing performance, not recording keystrokes or providing tracking tools. The metrics and tools we derive are not designed to deliver such information, nor do we have any intention of developing such tools.

Our software can be used to record keystrokes and provides tracking tools.

The information gathered by Carrier IQ is done so for the exclusive use of that customer, and Carrier IQ does not sell personal subscriber information to 3rd parties.

Our customers — phone carriers — will sell personal subscriber information to third parties.

The information derived from devices is encrypted and secured within our customer’s network or in our audited and customer-approved facilities.

Our customers have stringent policies and obligations on data collection and retention.

Trust us. We’ve had this shit audited. Can’t you see that we are serious?

Each customer is different and our technology is customized to their exacting needs and legal requirements.

Don’t sue us, sue them.

Carrier IQ enables a measurable impact on improving the quality and experience of our customers’ mobile networks and devices. Our business model and technology aligns exclusively with this goal.

We are high as a kite.